Mags Are A Drag!
A fond memory of mine as a child was my grandmother ripping out the “Betsy McCall” page for me from a major woman’s magazine. It was a treat to cut out this paper doll, along her fancy clothes and pets.
I’ve since grown up loving magazines and reading them from cover to cover…until the past couple of years, that is. Far be it from me to dictate what other folks like to read in their spare time, but personally, I am so very tired of the constant harping about health… from the editors, the writers, and the pharmaceutical companies. I understand that obesity rules our nation for the most part anymore, but enough already!
Please, please, please, all I crave is just one interesting article, a touching human interest story, more fiction and nonfiction, more biographies and autobiographies, fewer healthy recipes, less buffed up and picture-perfect bimbos… focus more upon those of us who fall within ‘the norm’ as far as fashion goes.
For example, on a certain page of a magazine that I have in front of me right now, there is an article concerning 365 healthy ways to live. Oh goodie. Let me get my calendar. Bingo…I’ve got a full year of tips I’m suppose to salivate over. Sorry, but to me, the focus is nothing but a long, tedious list of common sense approaches on preparing meals, walking around one’s neighborhood five times a day, and putting on a happy facade, whether one’s mood calls for it or not. Oh please.
Have we not worn out the famous milk mustaches as well? Yes, I’ve got milk. So do cows and other animals. I know it’s healthy for me. Hmm, well it was… until I read the other article about tainted milk.
Then there’s “Sally” with her once-a-month osteoporosis pill. Its side effects “may include a propensity towards esophageal cancer; poisoning may result if you take too much; you’d better say a quick prayer that you don’t have to have a tooth pulled while on it; watch out for ‘those bowel predicaments;’have ulcers yet?; keep exercising, even if you have horrific pain in your extremities; 'got hives, wheezing, or swelling of your nose, throat, or face?;doncha dare faint!;no cigs for you!; chest pain just might occur…” Sorry, but I stifle a giggle as I notice that the ad tells us “It will not work if you stop taking it.” Son-of-a-gun! Three pages onward, there is a short article about splashing milk upon one’s face to erase the years. How about that goody? I know we women over sixty are gonna’ be impressed. ):
Hmmm. On page 38, we have “Marjorie’s Old Fashioned Chocolate Orgasmic Brownies;” yet on page 39, a warning about diabetes.
Take a gander at that anorexic, bronzed, sunny-blonde mommy, who wears a size 0 (I never knew this size even existed), with three small children and a beefed-up, handsome-as-heck hubby, all out on their yacht off of The Hamptons (page 56). Trust me, even before I was pregnant with three kids, I never, ever, looked this thin…or good. Okay, I’m jealous. Size 0?
Sarah Jessica’s skin is magnificent on page 104. So is Bette’s on page 148. Hey, Bette’s my age! When I look into the mirror, I see a pasty complexion…along with liver spots (once freckles, I’ll have you know), and crinkly lines that spread out everywhere like a street diagram of Paris!
Another magazine wants to give me ‘a free Mexican Get-away.’ I don’t think so, thank you very much.
Do I really want to know how to take my laptop apart in three easy lessons? Not really.
A fashion designer tells me that if I want to look fashionable and carry off those extra pounds, that I should not wear clothing that’s loose. Okay, maybe it’s goshe to resemble a fashion-plated, tight-fitted tootsie roll, with every inch of sag and bag gouging out from breast-to-ankle. Is this woman insane?!
I’ve already gone from a frosted blonde to an ash, golden, platinum, copper, russet, henna-tipped, cooler, warmer, and you-name-it blonde. If these hair geniuses can show me a way to ensure that my gray doesn’t show again after just one wash, I would shout out “Halleluiah!” a thousand times.
Yes, I take fiber and multi-vitamins… by the handful.
How many new types of toothpaste are there anyway?
Am I depressed? I’d better not be according to the side effects listed. Actually, I did try to see a therapist once. The woman stood me up. I had waited close to two hours to see this so-called professional and she was a no-show. Upon finally walking out of her office, I felt immediate relief… conjuring up a hilarious picture of just how the imaginary NJ mafia kingpin, “Tony Soprano,” might have felt…or acted upon…had his shrink stood him up? (:
Ooops…yet another weight loss program adjacent to a page full of titillating ice cream cones.
Aww…I can make darling little 4” lady bug cakes for my grandkids; only I don’t have half of the called-for ingredients in my kitchen. I’m out of the woods on this one due to the fact that another article informs me that school children bring in way too much junk food in their lunch bags nowadays.
The good news is that I despise cell phones, so maybe I won’t get that brain tumor, hopefully.
I see a nice recipe for an asparagus pie…only I don’t like asparagus.
Enough about Bradjelina and Jen!
It so happens that the olive oil that I have been buying for years rates at the bottom of fifteen famous oils.
Five pages rave and show tantalizing pictures of fantastic pasta dishes, only to see another page full of ideas about ridding those carbs in our diets.
Okay. I think I’ve gotten my message across. I’m just so longing for an article about something cultural…whether it be a musician, a talented (and I mean talented) actress or actor, a new show opening on Broadway; maybe just a couple of simple yet delicious recipes; real folks with problems that most of us experience; simple folk who wear the norm size in clothing; more articles about knock-offs instead of the real $$$ thingies; fantastic places to travel with hubby instead of with the entire tribe; stories concerning interesting past legends and how they made a difference in our society…
Oh, by the way…I’ve also taken close notice of the many magazines chock full of ads concerning too numerous lawyers and plastic surgeons abounding in my area.
Maybe there is hope after all!
‘Till next time,
Pam